I'm curious, why am I on your email list? I'm still at least about a decade away before I could even pretend to join your organization. Why are you mocking me? Please stop sending me weekly letters trying to entice me to join your group. Frankly, you're just pissing me off.
Dear Dude at the Car Wash-
You're in the business of washing my car and providing good customer service so that you'll receive a handsome tip at the end of my car washing experience. I give good tips, especially when it's cold outside because I do appreciate the fact that you're washing my car inside and out - and I'm not. Enough said, right? As much as I appreciate the fact that your establishment offers discounts on different days of the week depending on the type of customer you are, (i.e. Ladies Day, Gentleman's Day, Seniors Day) you really need to pay attention to your customer before asking potentially offensive questions.
I know that I'm not feeling and looking my best as I've been down with a cold, but really, really....do I look like a Senior Citizen? It's not a good idea to just ask everyone if they are a senior just because it's senior day. (Not that there is anything wrong with looking like a Senior Citizen, but I don't want to be put in that demographic until I absolutely have to check that age box. )
And when I pull my sunglasses down and ask you if you're kidding, don't be a smart ass and say "well, you never know and I need to ask everyone." Really, cause I bet you're not asking the gents if they're ladies on ladies day, just sayin'....
If I wasn't such a kind and generous soul, I might have not tipped you, but since your other co-workers can't help that you're a ditz-ball, I'm going to overlook your comments today and just bring this matter to your attention so you may adjust your behavior and comments for others who aren't as nice as me. Stand advised, Dude, you've been warned.
Dear Tool Who Checks Out the Books that Others Have Reserved at the Library,
Wait your flipping turn! Request the item yourself and WAIT! You think you're so clever because the library has self serve checkout and you do not have to face anyone as you checkout the items that others have reserved via the proper channels. Well, listen up buster you better watch your back because I'm thinking of contacting Dateline and setting up a sting....be advised you never know who's watching you.
Stick that in your card catalog and suck it!
Dear Local Weathermen,
Please don't start hyping a storm three days in advance only to disappoint me. Nothing is worse than decent weather when you're expecting a storm. Please, I'd rather have you predict a dusting and get a foot than expect a foot and get a dusting.
Dear Fruit of my Loins and Beloved,
I wanted to let you know that an alarm will not sound if you open the dishwasher door to see if the dishes are clean or dirty. It's okay to check. It's also okay to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I will not be upset with any of you in the least little bit should you decide to take care of that little tidbit.
Although I live to serve all of you, I am willing to take one for the good of the entire family and allow you to enjoy the fulfillment that I do when the sink is not full of dirty dishes.